Basically, you have to put the marriage above yourself, especially when it’s hardest to do so.
Thomas N. Bradbury (one of the researchers):
When the stakes are high, our relationships are vulnerable. When we’re under a great deal of stress or when there is a high-stakes decision on which you disagree, those are defining moments in a relationship. What our data indicate is that committing to the relationship rather than committing to your own agenda and your own immediate needs is a far better strategy. We’re not saying it’s easy.
…
The people who ended their marriages would have said they were very committed to the marriage. But they did not have the resolve to say, ‘Honey, we need to work on this; it’s going to be hard, but it’s important.’ The successful couples were able to shift their focus away from whether ‘I win’ or ‘you win’ to ‘Are we going to keep this relationship afloat?’ That is the ideal.
And let’s say you do put in the work and stick it out. There’s other research showing that maybe being married isn’t that much better for your overall well-being than just living together.
Compared to most industrial countries, America continues to value marriage above other family forms. However our research shows that marriage is by no means unique in promoting well-being and that other forms of romantic relationships can provide many of the same benefits.
So what I’m getting from all this is that (duh) relationships are really, really hard, but if you can stick it out, then you’ll probably be better off in the long run, whether you get married or not.
